New Baptist Kidd on the Blog

I had been thinking about creating a self portrait ever since visiting a special exhibition at the National Gallery in November last year, and had talked about its production, much to the intrigue of my Support Group, back in March. My inclination had been in the broad direction of realism, made more striking by unusual cropping of the image – perhaps little more than half a face with the emphasis on an eye, probably the left one. But it came to me, uninvited, and with remarkable force on Wednesday 12th April 2006. This is an edited version of what I wrote in my journal:

“I have seen my self portrait, and I have seen it so clearly I do not think I can possibly forget it, though I will sketch it soon anyway. It is just as my old art teacher, Mr Forster said, quoting a little girl, “You thinks … and then you draw round the thinks”. I will call it ‘Being Loved – a Self Portrait’.

I saw it as I sat briefly in the lounge at St Bueno’s, immediately before lunch. The light was bright and I closed my eyes, pressing my hands against my eyelids - and I saw it. It must be allowed to develop a little if it wants to, but I really do think I have it. I am already looking forward to showing it to my Support Group and playing with people with words like, “… and what do you see?”

It probably needs to be quite large, so that it is possible somewhat to fall into it. The outer figures (?) are a brighter green than the central one – like the first burst of spring, or a new leaf on an oak tree. The darker green is not sombre but has a certain weight to it, like the deep colour of an older pine tree. The red is brighter than my first sketch, like the fire of blood spilt; and I think it is brightest near the middle and darkens just a little round the margins, especially at the base. The grey of the heads is quite foggy and blurs away – quite a surprising colour really. The sense that the outer shapes are figures is communicated by a hint of buttock, a shoulder and the bowing of heads. The central shape is a figure because of the head (which, for some reason, is green) and the shape of the shoulders; it tapers a little to the base so it feels like a figure kneeling and facing the viewer. The spacing is crucial: the figures do not touch but they are intimate and ‘balanced’. I feel that there is probably the hint of a darker outline between the green and the red, and an even thinner suggestion of a second boundary of grey before the red. The darker line could be made by mixing the red and the green at the boundary, but I need to experiment with this. I have tried closing my eyes again a similar way, but they have gone – at least for now.

What is it all about? That has to be up to the viewer. But I have already felt my mother and my marriage partner (the two most significant women in my life) – or Christ and the Holy Spirit. I am in a womb, or a vaginal shape, still coming to birth, head not yet fully formed (no concepts!), and it is gloriously warm, with all the promise of spring as their greens inflame mine. And the balance is altogether quite iconic: some hint of three-ness, and warm hospitality, and a sense of movement, dance even, with and around each other.

I returned to the room where it happened soon after lunch, but I could not make it happen again in precisely the same way. I have, however, managed to learn two more things: the first is that the three shapes are an after image originating from the light of three perpendicular windows separated by stone tracings; the second is that I was wrong about the boundaries - the grey seeps down inside from the heads to form a very fine line along their backs, and then gives way to the darker outline I mentioned earlier. So - I think I’ve got it; certainly enough to go home and paint it! “

Now, several weeks later, I have just finished painting it - oil on canvas (24" by 18"). So - here it is: